Shadows of reality

I’ve been hunting shadows lately, and let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy.

As most of you know, I graduated this past April and have subsequently moved to Utah. This last school year went well, but kept me extremely busy with work, classes, and traveling. The combination left me exhausted at the end of the year, with just enough strength to say goodbye to friends, knowing that it will never be as convenient to see them now that we have to “grow up.”

Now, I’m not hunting for just any old shadow, I’ve got a specific one in mind. It worked out for Wendy, Peter, and John, so I think it will work out for me too.

A few days after graduation I packed my bags and left with my brother and his family to go back to Utah. This was supposed to be the start of another fun adventure. I was going to interview for jobs in Salt Lake because somewhere in the past couple years I heard the call, “Go west, young man, go west”, and thought it would be a grand idea. The next couple weeks proved to be not so grand after all. My normally healthy sense of adventure abandoned me and I felt bored and lonely more than I have in years. The reality of life post-college began to dawn on me and I was ready to sign up to be a career student. (Maybe I could set the Guinness World Record for number of degrees!?) But see, God’s been working on this whole reality bit with me lately.

And that’s why I’ve been hunting Peter Pan’s shadow, because I figure if I can get him to come this side of Neverland, I’ve got a good shot of flying back with him. (the “You can fly” song is playing in my head right now.) The way I see it, the Lost Boys have got it figured out. With wisdom that surpasses their years, they saw that being a kid is where it is at and the whole growing up thing is for the birds. Neverland must be a pretty rockin’ place. I mean, I’d take just about any place that would isolate me from reality right about now.

I’m not talking about the reality of having to get a job and pay for things that you want, although it wasn’t so bad not having to do those things. (I know you hard working adults would love to hear that college is so easy and that working life is so hard…I’m not giving you that satisfaction…yet.) I’m talking about the reality of life change. The reality of having to leave friends, mentors, professors and the safety of a Christian bubble, of having to struggle for a new role/place in your life, of the work it takes to strengthen a relationship with a sibling, of the helplessness and uncertainty that comes with all that, and to top it off, the reality of not really feeling like doing what the Lord is calling you to.

After my couple weeks in Utah, I flew back to Ohio, without a job. I was pleased about this because I thought it meant I could get a job in Indiana and forget this whole “Go west” deal. But it turns out that the call to “Go West” wasn’t just something I dreamed up, it was the Lord’s calling. Doors closed in Indiana and a great job opened in Salt Lake. I reluctantly accepted, and then plunged myself into two more weeks of reality-less living. I went to North Carolina to visit friends, I went to South Dakota to a friend’s wedding, I went hiking in West Virginia, and then finally packed and headed to Utah. Somewhere in that 96 hours of driving (I’m not exaggerating), the Lord told me to “Wait,” to “tarry in Jerusalem” if you will. In the midst of my uncertainties, in the midst of my lack of desire (one might be tempted to use the word dread) to wait. I kept hoping Peter Pan would get here quick.

Lest you think I’m some kind of sissy, I’ve got a hunch the disciples were hoping for the equivalent of Neverland right after the Ascension. You get used to living with a guy who can make problems disappear by just speaking to them, and I’m pretty sure your feelings of invincibility start to wane when He leaves, only to be replaced by major uncertainty. If I am Peter, here is what I’m thinking: ‘It’s not been so bad these last three and half years. Our biggest trial was the whole crucifixion ordeal, which seemed major at the time, but I mean, COME ON, He beat that too.’ Then Christ says, “I’m leaving. Go wait in Jerusalem till you receive the Spirit.” And now I’m thinking, “Hey Jesus, I got a better idea. How about You stay, and we’ll forget that other guy. Remember that ‘On this rock I’ll build my Church’ prophesy, yeah…let’s you and I go get those two-by-four’s and start.”

And so I am here in Utah, with the same command as the disciples had…to wait. Waiting really stinks because it gives you plenty of time to come face to face with reality. But I’ve gotten a sneak peak at the next chapter. I know the Spirit comes upon the disciples, and I know that He will give me further direction, further wisdom once the reality has done its work in my heart.

The good news is that once reality devastates us and pulls us from the stupor of unreality we’d love to live in, then the sweet reality of the Spirit comes. And when He is our reality, we become instruments that literally change the scope of history.


Waiting,

Jake