A little down

The last couple of nights I've been kind of down. I've been hanging out with people and have been having a great time, but when they leave I begin to reflect and I get this anxious and sad feeling in my heart.

See, for the first time in my life, (except once, but that lasted like 3 hours) I've been doubting God not for intellectual reasons or lack of understanding or lack of faith, but because of power. I know in my head that God's power is unlimited, but my heart has been anxious to see that power in action, and it feels as if He is sitting on His thumbs when His mighty working is needed.

I've got a friend who's really been struggling lately. He's had a rough life and has gotten this feeling that God has cut him a raw deal. The struggles that he so desperately wants to throw off keep plaguing him. His desires seem unfulfilled. These struggles and feelings of disappointment are pulling him into dangerous waters; he's ready to throw in the towel. And what I want so desperately to see happen in his life seems to be on the other side of an impossible battle.

I tutor these Somalian refugee kids. They are struggling to make it in this life. I read their report cards and see things like "minimal proficiency" "at risk" and "negative attitude." They are getting sucked into the gang life--into drugs, violence, and sexual promiscuity. At 12 and 13 they have to translate everything for their parents--forced into the role of an adult before their time. They live with a shell of Muslim religion they seem to know so little about and which seems to do nothing for them, other than prevent them from eating pork and petting dogs. And what I want so desperately to see happen in their lives seems to be on the other side of an impossible battle.

I have these friends at work. Some are Mormon, and they've bought so hard into this religion that I see to be a deception, that they seem content to live with meaningless legalism. Some of them aren't Mormon but want nothing to do with religion because of the hypocrisy they've seen. I've been working to establish stronger and stronger relationships with them, and I find that I truly love them, which hurts because I want them to have what's most important to me. And what I want so desperately to see happen in their lives seems to be on the other side of an impossible battle.

We've had all these new young people come to our church lately. They've been in and out. It seems like we just start establishing a relationship with them, and then they just disappear. They come in so hungry, and we start to show them where to eat, and they slip out the back door. And what I want so desperately to see for this ministry seems to be on the other side of an impossible battle.

When I get to thinking about all these, I get a little low. And when I think about the battles that are raging, I start to think about me. I think about all the stuff that holds me down. I think about the countless times I've let the Lord down. I think about the times I've just completely botched my witness in front of my friends. I think about the struggles inside me that I've sworn for the thousandth time would end today. And what I want so desperately to see happen in my own life seems to be on the other side of an impossible battle.

Last night before I fell asleep, with this anxious, sad feeling stirring in my gut, I became almost desperate to see God's power at work. All these battles to be fought and I feel like "where's the power to fight these?" So, I'm a little low.

"Holy Spirit, breathe of the living God, renew me and all the world."